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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Fountain
Drink
College
Knowledge

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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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