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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Fountain
Drink
College
Knowledge

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman