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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Mother
Cuckoo
Cuckoos
Neat
Puts
Clock
Paper
Law

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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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