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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Married

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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman