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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Reincarnation
Alive
Believe

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman