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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Reincarnation
Alive
Believe

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman