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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Believe
Reincarnation
Alive

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman