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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Reincarnation
Alive
Believe

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman