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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Reincarnation
Alive
Believe

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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman