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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Marrying
Failures
Caused
Marriage

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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman