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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Marrying
Failures
Caused
Marriage

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman