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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Think
Thinking
Weren
Life
Faults
Marriage
Comedy
Funny
Would
Men
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman