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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Think
Thinking
Weren
Life
Faults
Marriage
Comedy
Funny
Would
Men
More quotes by Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
