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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Thinking
Weren
Life
Faults
Marriage
Comedy
Funny
Would
Men
Think
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
