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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Faults
Life
Marriage
Comedy
Funny
Would
Men
Think
Weren
Thinking
More quotes by Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
