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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Worth
Humor
Head
Funny
Body
Men
Cattle
Heads
Bodies

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman