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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Tough
Afraid
Humor
Dead
Told
Guy
Funny

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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman