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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Blood
Funny
Blush
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman