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If I had blood, I'd blush.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Blush
Humor
Blood
Funny

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
Henny Youngman
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman