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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Would
Brother
Humor
Funny
Family
Learn
Wish
Work
Kind
Trade

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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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