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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Late
Humor
Wife
Funny
Yelling
Truck
Garbage
Ran
Jump

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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman