Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Everyone
Asked
Back
Streets
Must
Late
Going
Humor
Way
Coming
Cop
Wife
Pulled
Wrong
Drives
Funny
Street
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman