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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Way
Coming
Cop
Wife
Pulled
Wrong
Drives
Funny
Street
Everyone
Asked
Back
Streets
Must
Late
Going
Humor
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henny Youngman
