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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Wife
Funny
Years
Failed
Married

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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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