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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Seen
Jail
Funny
Killing
Woman
Havens
Around
Haven
Men
Humor
Single
Says
More quotes by Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
