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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Men
Humor
Single
Says
Wife
Seen
Jail
Funny
Killing
Woman
Havens
Around
Haven
More quotes by Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
Henny Youngman
