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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Around
Haven
Men
Humor
Single
Says
Wife
Seen
Jail
Funny
Killing
Woman
Havens

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman