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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Bandages
Happened
Rang
Call
Polish
Funny
Phone
Men
Doctor
Phones
Doctors
Ironing
Ears
Bandage
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman