Quote

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Corners
Humor
Clauses
Basket
Funny
Baskets
Tell
Easter
Two
Polish
Santa
Corner

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman