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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Yankee
Funny
Lawn
Jobs
Men
Stadium
Lawns
Stadiums
Yankees
Cutter
Diamond
Cutters
Humor

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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman