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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lawns
Stadiums
Yankees
Diamond
Cutter
Humor
Cutters
Funny
Yankee
Jobs
Lawn
Men
Stadium
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
