Quote

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Yankees
Diamond
Cutter
Humor
Cutters
Funny
Yankee
Jobs
Lawn
Men
Stadium
Lawns
Stadiums

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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman