Quote

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Says
Blood
Funny
Must
Egyptian
Trying
Introduction
Every
Kiss
Time
Kissing
Humor

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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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