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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Says
Blood
Funny
Must
Egyptian
Trying
Introduction
Every
Kiss
Time
Kissing
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
