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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Rude
Insult
Humor
Less
Funny
Think
Thinking
More quotes by Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman