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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Touch
Humor
Turns
Funny
Everything
Midas
Insult

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman