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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Everything
Midas
Insult
Touch
Humor
Turns

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman