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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Turns
Funny
Everything
Midas
Insult
Touch

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman