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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Everything
Midas
Insult
Touch
Humor
Turns
Funny

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman