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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Everything
Midas
Insult
Touch
Humor
Turns
Funny

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman