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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Midas
Insult
Touch
Humor
Turns
Funny
Everything

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman