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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Turns
Funny
Everything
Midas
Insult
Touch

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman