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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Way
Asks
Betting
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts
Stands
Left
Horse
Another
Window
Mind

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman