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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Left
Stands
Another
Horse
Mind
Window
Way
Humor
Asks
Betting
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman