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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Left
Stands
Another
Horse
Mind
Window
Way
Humor
Asks
Betting
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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