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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Way
Humor
Asks
Betting
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts
Left
Stands
Another
Horse
Mind
Window

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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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