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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts
Left
Stands
Another
Horse
Mind
Window
Way
Humor
Asks
Betting

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman