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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Mind
Window
Way
Humor
Asks
Betting
Race
Post
Funny
Racing
Comes
Posts
Left
Stands
Another
Horse

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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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