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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Stable
Racing
Horse
Late
Humor
Getting
Funny
Home

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman