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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Late
Humor
Getting
Funny
Home
Stable
Racing
Horse

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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