Quote

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Playing
Ants
Saying
Missed
Dirt
Funny
Killed
Bigs
Ball
Swung
Another
Balls
Chunk
Golf
Climbed
Humor
Chunks

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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