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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Quarter
Lost
Quarters
Another
Pounds
Puts
Drunk
Humor
Dial
Goes
Meter
Says
Parking
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman