Quote

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Dial
Goes
Meter
Says
Parking
Funny
Quarter
Lost
Quarters
Another
Pounds
Puts
Drunk

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman