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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
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Turns
Clean
Funny
Gave
Dropped
Around
Walking
Nurse
Look
Office
Doctor
Looks
Health
Bill
Right
Humor
Bills
Make
Dead
Doctors
Men
Turn
Leaving
More quotes by Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
