Quote

Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Looks
Health
Bill
Right
Humor
Bills
Make
Dead
Doctors
Men
Turn
Leaving
Like
Turns
Clean
Funny
Gave
Dropped
Around
Walking
Nurse
Look
Office
Doctor

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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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