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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Chest
Men
Chests
Doctor
Doctors
Humor
Says
Stand
Stethoscope
Asks
Puzzles
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman