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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week
Poor
Lasts
Last
Surgery
Plastic
More quotes by Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman