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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Plastic
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week
Poor
Lasts
Last
Surgery
More quotes by Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
Henny Youngman
