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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Poor
Lasts
Last
Surgery
Plastic
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week
More quotes by Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
