Quote

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Last
Surgery
Plastic
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week
Poor
Lasts

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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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