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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Poor
Lasts
Last
Surgery
Plastic
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman