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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Poor
Lasts
Last
Surgery
Plastic
Cards
Credit
Cutting
Week

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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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