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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Went
Dies
Found
Money
Reviewed
Ever
Savings
Need
Bank
Needs
Saving
Tomorrow
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman